YES, there is such a thing called the fourth trimester. The fourth trimester is the first few months after baby is born, also referred to as the ‘adjustment period.” We live in a world that revolves around infant-centric care. Meaning everyone is more focused on the baby rather then the mother. A new baby is exciting we know, but in that excitement family and friends often forget that both mom and baby have been through a taxing and sometimes traumatic labor and delivery. With that said here are a few tips to help make the fourth trimester easier on mom and baby, because after all its about them not us, right?!
IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. While I know your desire to visit, meet and gush over baby is out of complete love for them, sometimes you forget that mom is the superstar that did the hard work of bringing baby here. With that said make sure you are a good guest. This isn’t the time to tell her all about your birth story, triumphs or failures at nursing. This is the time to ask her about her labor, how she is feeling, and then sit and listen. This is NOT a time for her to feel like she needs to entertain or serve you. Ask (yes this even applies to the closest family and friends) when is the best time to visit, for how long, or maybe not even at all.
DON’T TAKE OFFENSE. This is a HUGE transition and although mom (and dad) love you, they are navigating new waters and are utterly exhausted. The truth is she may not be up for visitors and that has to be okay. Letting her know, “thats ok I totally understand,” before she even has to utter the words is so helpful and honestly will probably bump you at the top of the list when she is ready. Ask to touch base in a week or two. While some women want social interaction others might want to hibernate and either one is perfectly ok.
CALL. I dont care if you are the mother, grandmother, best friend CALL BEFORE YOU GO OVER. I see this with love, pop-ins are always inconvenient. If you set up a time to go over, call or text when you are getting ready to head that way to see if it is still a good time. Things change with a newborn. She many be in the middle of nursing/feeding, napping, or finally getting to sit down and eat while baby rests. A quick reminder is so appreciated and you might find that she needs a few extra minutes or that it isn’t in fact still a good time. You will also earn bonus points for saying, “hey while I’m driving through town on my way to you do you need anything from the store or maybe Starbucks?”
BRING SOMETHING. Have you ever heard the saying, “don’t show up empty handed to a birthday party?” Same rule applies when visiting a postpartum mom to celebrate the baby she just brought into the world. Nothing says I love you like showing up with her favorite ready made meal, basket of snacks, package of baby wipes, diapers, or even nursing pads. Bring a meal that can be frozen and eaten later.
GERMS. We always want to be cautious when it comes to germs and newborns because their immune systems are just building themselves, BUT ESPECIALLY during a pandemic.
Don’t visit if you are sick. I don’t care if you think its allergies, if you have a itchy throat, cough, been sneezing, or feel the slightest fatigued don’t visit.
Get a babysitter. Although we all love our children can we just be honest and say they are some of the dirtiest, grossest little humans on the planet. They are also LOUD and into everything. The last thing a new parent needs is more germs, messes to clean, and tiny humans screeching in the background asking to hold the new bundle.
Wash your hands. First thing you do when you enter the house is wash your hands or sanitize. No new mother wants to ask the awkward question, “good to see you, can you please wash your hands,” so relieve that stress and do it before she asks.
DON’T KISS THE BABY. I know they are cute and cuddly, but kissing (even on the feet) is a no no. That means you grandma.
6. BE HELPFUL. A lot of times we think we are being helpful, but really we are making mom cringe on the inside, so to avoid any confusion as her what would be helpful. Offer to watch the other siblings, wash dishes, pick up online grocery order, grab her a some water, offer to hold baby while she grabs a quick shower.
7. BE SENSITIVE. Remember moms body is still healing, she’s sleep deprived, and a little freaked out at this whole new mom role. Some questions might trigger her or even come of as judgmental. Questions like, did you have to get a epidural, are you nursing, is he/she a good baby that sleeps through the night, are you just over the top in love, etc are not always helpful. Instead reword your questions and say, would you like to share your birth story, baby looks so healthy, I know labor and the 4th trimester are exhausting let me know when you need to lay down. Some moms that experience a hard labor and delivery do not automatically bond with their baby. This is normal following a traumatic birth. Be sensitive to this.
8. KEEP YOUR OPINIONS TO YOURSELF. Everyone parents differently according to what they believe is the best for them and their baby. Inserting your opinion is the fastest way to not get invited back. It doesn’t matter if she formula feeds, nurses, goes back to work, stays at home, whatever. Keep your opinions to yourself unless she asks you for advice. If she asks you let them know this worked for us but it may not be the best option for you.
9. LEAVE. Again, remember the time and don’t overstay your welcome.