As a doula, I get asked this question a lot: “When is the best time to have visitors after my baby is born?”
For first-time parents and even seasoned parents, this can be a touchy subject. The truth is, whenever is convenient for you and your new family. Some families are ready for visitors in the hospital. Some are ready the first week they are home, while still other families may need a few months to adjust to their new life. Whichever scenario applies to you and your family is completely acceptable. Friends and family sometimes have a tendency to get caught up in the excitement of the new arrival that they forget the long and exhausting process the parents have endured along the way. In fact, most countries around the world actually encourage the mother to stay in bed, rest, and bond with the baby while others come to her aid. (Ex. Prepare meals, grocery shop, clean, etc.)
I have a friend who for several years struggled to conceive a baby, and even suffered a miscarriage. However, their dream of becoming a family had finally come true. They did their research, planned out all of the details of the birth, hired a doula – everything was perfect. However, the day she went into labor, everything that could go wrong did and her perfectly planned birth plan went out the window. She had both a hard labor and delivery but after 30+ hours, she and her husband had finally become parents. They told friends and family that due to delivering prematurely, coupled with a laborious birthing process, they would not be accepting visitors until they were home and settled. It was a long four days recovering in the hospital: her body was healing from major trauma; she was exhausted from being up every two hours to nurse, and her hormones were a rollercoaster. When she finally made it home, people began calling wondering when they could come visit. I suppose the terms “home and settled” meant as soon as they got home from the hospital. For some that may be true, but for my friend, it was months. Keeping in mind that their little one was born during the cold and flu season, some forget if he/she have been sick recently or have had the slightest cough, it can be potentially dangerous to an infant’s fragile immune system. Friends and family not only wanted to hold their baby, but kiss the baby’s hands and face. This poor, new mother was harassed by those who thought they should be allowed to see the new bundle of joy first, before anyone else. This was suppose to be a joyful time and instead people she loved were making it about them.
Why do I tell you this story? To remind those excited family members and friends that it is not about them. As hard as it is to hear, it is the truth. This is about being an encouraging support to the new parents who are making exhausting adjustments to the new chapter in their lives. New parents, especially mothers, feel they need to entertain guests when they come over instead of resting. This can often lead to other problems down the road such as fatigue, more bleeding, low milk supply in nursing mothers, postpartum depression etc… Some visitors tell the parents to go lay down while they watch the baby. While this may seem helpful, some parents are not yet comfortable leaving their new infant with anyone, friends and family included. So as a family member or friend, what is helpful? Ask if they need food, diapers, a coffee run from Starbucks, or anything else. Be patient and remember it is not personal. If they say they are not accepting visitors right now, they have good reason. If they ask you to wash your hands, not kiss their baby, or any other requests, no matter how ridiculous it may seem to you, just comply.
Xo,
Ashley